COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

THINGS TO PONDER

1. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?


2. Why do you have a hot-water heater when you dont need to heat hot water?


3. Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?


4. Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?


5. What do they pack styrofoam in?


6. Why did God give men nipples?


7. If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands
on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on
the back of a cat?


8. Is grass really greener on the other side?


9. Do boxer shorts box?


10. Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

11. If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?


12. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?


13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?


14. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


15. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


16. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?


17. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


18. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?


19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


20. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?


21. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?


22. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?


23. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights,
what happens?


24. You know how most packages say "Open here."  What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else?"


25. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?


26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?


27. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on  planes, why
can't they make the whole  plane out of the same substance?


28. Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn
the radio down?


29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


30. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?